Remembering the times of youth

I’ve always tried to find the meaning to the so called “Love” that almost everyone is hungry for. Well Life is filled with choices and whenever it comes to any kind of a situation where you are stuck into a Do or Die you are always given a choice to decide between a Yes and a No. Life brings us many opportunities but accepting it and not accepting could bring us down to many different consequences.

I still remember my first day at college, the day I first went out of my father’s warm feathers and started to fly on my own. Having carried to college all my puppy crushes I used to always wonder if there is something called Love or is it just mere physical relationship that a man and woman have is called Love. I would watch many hindi movies that were always filled romance and the hero and heroine like an Eveready battery always ready to die for one another. At that age Love according to me was just going out, eating out and living with each other and gradually that same attitude imbibed in me for a very long time till I finished college, graduated well Yes but yet without a boyfriend. (very bad huhhh). Mumbai was a place wherein out of every 10 girls 7 had found their so called Lover or with pride introduced as a boy friend. In my locality I would find girls studying in the VI std with a boyfriend, “come on yaar why not me, am i so bad”

This grew as an inferiority complex within me for quite some time and yo I found a job with a 5 figured salary and for me it was the end of the world. I started to buy things and pamper myself by going to the beauty parlour. Straightening my hair, hair coloring, bleaching, facial etc. I was convinced that after all this I must have grown beautiful and atleast now I would find one “BOY FRIEND”. Well so continued my search, today when I sit back and think of all these days I burst out laughing how stupid I was but it’s a phase in everyone’s life.

Let’s get back to our search, now that I was 20 I used to believe that I cannot make a mistake in differentiating the true love from the fake ones since I was grown up now and I was Twentiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I was convinced that I was matured enough to understand anything in life and nothing was impossible for me. My life filled experiences brought me to an end called marriage and today I still wonder if this is love and then I convince myself saying that Yes ofcourse I am married and I should be loving my hubby which I do but then what was all that butterflies in my stomach feeling which would give me so much of pleasure. My life started with a choice and I chose to say “YES”.

The journey begins!

I’ve been searching the meaning to my life from that day onwards. I have been making all kinds of hasty decisions, falling into problems created by my own impatience and instability to which I am answering till today. As a youth I always wanted to get married to someone, who loved my soul than my body, for something that I am and not for something that I have, and Ahhhh i got up one day from the darkness of my dreams and received a blessing in disguise, walked into my life with the man of my dreams the final Mills and Boon’s character after falling into innumerable crushes.

Since then, I have accepted the terms and conditions of the so called society and life moves on subtle with all kinds of its variations and disturbances like everybody else. NOWWW! This is something I never wanted, live a life like everybody does. My friend and I, often have a debate upon our ideas, of true love, and I always defend myself saying at the end of the day, you have to stay happy with what you have and not feel sad about what you could not get, my friend as witty as I am, still stresses on her point, that she would never marry a man she never loved. Is marriage really love, or does everyone you love certainly turn into marriage, has always been a question to me. If marriages were really made in heaven, then why do many people get into relationships they never wanted to have. If love is marriage then why does the one whom you claim to love with all your heart and soul and with everything that you have, walk away from your life as if it never was. WHY is a question to which the answers lay beneath your heart somewhere, and it’s because of this, that you make yourself content, with what you have.

There is a little story that I would love to share!

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."
The student went to the field went thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wondered....may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he started to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he now knew he missed the biggest one, and regretted.
So, he ended up going back to the teacher empty handed. The teacher told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...."*


"What is marriage then?" the student asked.
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."
The student went to the corn field, this time he was careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reached middle of the field, he picked one medium corn that he was satisfied with, and come back to the teacher.
The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... this is marriage."*

Now! does this answer my question, about Love and Marriage. Well, I am surrounded by so many questions, that I am caught up in a maze not able to answer any. Let time do its magic and I shall wait upon time, to teach me my lessons as it always has!!!!!!!!

The time lost

The black clouds showered tears of pain for the first time in my life on the 29^th of April 1991

It was 20minutes back, the angel of the house stopped breathing. It was just a few days back, that i got to know through my friend, that my mother was suffering from cancer and she would die soon, as she was breathing through her last stages of life. On that dreadful morning, she was quietly sipping on the apple juice that I was feeding her. Her eyes spoke to me, “my dear child hereby I leave you in this world alone”. She turned her head, and I thought that she wanted to take some rest. I told my dad that amma was sleeping. My dad as usual came over to the bed, and checked her pulses, and called everybody in the family and said that amma had turned cold. There was a sudden burst of cry, from the family. She was washed of all the impure substances, of her body and laid in the coffin in a blue silk Saree, with a maroon border. There she lay quiet, and asleep. The family doctor declared her dead, just for the sake of paper work. I knew not the meaning of death, nor did I understand, as to why my amma would not be with me anymore. As a child I knew not to put on my shirt nor have a bath. And from there on I started my journey of life, ALONE, ALL ALONE. I did not shed a drop of tear, on the day my amma stopped breathing but nevertheless have I spent a day, without remembering her, till today.

And from that day onwards, I have been meeting different kinds of people, who have left, and have been leaving a mark in my life. If my mom had not left me, I would have never had the need of making friends coz she was the best friend that I could ever have. I state my sisters luckier than me, as they have lived their youth with her, in her blessed care and her warmth - giving wings of love and affection.